Article 25

All for Gun and Gun for All

In Uncategorized on 01/16/2013 at 3:39 pm


By Gregory Flannery

Cartoon by Christopher Gajus

“The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.

– Wayne LaPierre, executive vice president of the National Rifle Association

Because mass killings occur in schools, let us arm all teachers.

Because some teachers commit crimes against students, let us arm all students.

To enter kindergarten, 6-year-olds must get their shots – and be ready to shoot.

Because some mass killings occur in theaters, let us arm all theater-goers.

Because some homicides occur in churches, let us arm all who pray, and with more than the armor of faith.

Because some homicides occur in liquor stores and bars, let us arm all drinkers.

Because some homicides occur in road rage, let us arm all drivers.

Because A equals B and B equals C, let us arm all drunk drivers.

Because some husbands shoot their wives and vice versa, let us arm all newlyweds.

Because banks get robbed, let’s arm all the tellers. Let them hold us at gunpoint for every deposit or withdrawal. It would be more honest that way, wouldn’t it?

When so many have guns, is there any solution but more guns?

We hold this truth to be self-evident: All guns are created equal.

If we all were armed, wouldn’t we be more courteous in the parking lot? Wouldn’t we respect the 15-item limit in the express lane?

If we all were armed, would politicians dare lie or parents hit kids or embezzlers embezzle?

Let’s all take up guns. Let’s shoot our way to a better world.

Let’s reduce the surplus population. Let’s shoot the unworthy, the unproductive, the irreligious.

Let’s shoot the rich. Let’s shoot the oppressor.

Let’s shoot the government agent who comes to our house every day: Let’s go postal.

Let’s shoot liberal columnists and conservative talk-show hosts. It will clear the air.

Let’s all load up.

Let’s visit justice upon drivers whose bass line is too loud at the intersection. Let’s teach a lesson to those who park in the fire lane at the grocery. Let’s deal with the idiots at the school board.

Is there any shortage of reasons to go shooting?

Bullets do what ballots and dollars, speeches and essays never can.



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