Article 25

Archive for April, 2014|Monthly archive page

Pope Francis Online

In Uncategorized on 04/01/2014 at 3:46 pm



Candy Crush Gets an Imprimatur

By Anne Endress Skove


The internet, in particular, offers immense possibilities for encounter and solidarity. This is something truly good, a gift from God.

– Pope Francis, “Communication at the Service of an Authentic Culture of Encounter” – Pope’s Message for World Communications Day (24 January 2014)


The Pope called the Internet “a gift from God.” He has also been known to claim that Hampton Hamster’s Hampster Dance is “praiseworthy.” However, he opined on HuffPost that Hampsterdance Christmas “lacks an emphasis on our Savior’s birth, but sure is cute.”

On the Vatican Facebook page, he posted a link to a cat video that he said was “funnier than bobblehead Jesus. Hit ‘like’ if you agree!” The cat was doing this thing on a piano with its feet. What’s not to “like?”

After seeing a monsignor charged with money laundering and tax evasion, the pope condemned “Make Money Fast!” e-mails and Nigerian pigeon drop scams as “calls by desperate people for prayerful intervention.” He also denounced spam in general as “a Satanic curse. Also, who is ‘Alan?’ ”

Tweeting from his used hatchback (which is perfectly legal in Vatican City, as long as one has a St. Christopher medal dangling from the rearview window) Francis called selfies “an abomination,” yet urged followers to “hate the selfie, love the self.”

Upon reading that Obama was going to take the guns from U.S. citizens, he texted “Boo-yah!” to his peeps. Later, he refused to apologize to the National Rifle Association, but admitted that he was misinformed by a blogger regarding Obama’s intentions. “Things are done differently in Argentina,” he explained via his terribly outdated and completely passe MySpace page.

Cafeteria Catholics may be happily surprised to know that His Holiness has surpassed level 187 of Candy Crush Saga. He invoked St. Jude, patron saint of lost causes, when faced with the seemingly unstoppable spreading chocolate levels. It worked! He issued a statement reassuring pacifists that the “bombs” in Candy Crush do not equal support for war. On the contrary, he noted, “These small, colorful, exploding candies bring people closer to one another by creating a common experience, shared by all generations. Moreover, Just War theory applies to the situation, because clearing jelly is not an act of aggression.” Be careful, though – if you friend him, he will not hesitate to send you a Candy Crush invitation, plus dozens of requests for extra lives and help attaining higher levels. This seems like hypocrisy, though, coming as it does from the same leader who called people who pay money for extra lives or to reach the next episode “First world gluttons with no sense of economic responsibility.”

Pope Francis pinned dozens of recipes to his Pinterest board entitled, “Noms.” Empanadas, favorite wines, and homemade pasta photos predominated. We doubt they would look quite as perfect if we made them at home.

Responding to conspiracy theorists who called Benedict the anti-Pope, Francis asked for prayers for flamers, flame war casualties, and “all those online freaks.” He also said that he “only posted that photo of me with the cardboard cutout of Benedict on Instagram for fun,” and never meant to fool anybody. “It was so obviously 2-D!”

The pope Skyped with breastfeeding mothers from a Chicago parish. He asked whether the Polar Vortex made the act dangerous this time of year, and seemed pleased to hear that, as long as one breastfed indoors, no harm would come to partially exposed boobies. Later, he tried to post a screen grab to Facebook, but was prohibited from doing so by porn controls.

Etsy was commended by the pontiff for bringing economic power to the crafty people. “The holiday decorations are handmade by artisans from Brooklyn and beyond. Many will ship to every country of the world. Please buy DIY!”

He called Snopes “an international treasure of a resource that appeals to the rational minds of the modern world.” Plus, “People need to know that Mikey did not die from a lethal mixture of Pop Rocks and Coke. Without acknowledging facts and unearthing urban legends, we will never have street cred with our atheist brethren.”